what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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