Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
