now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
