I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
