The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
