I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
