Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
