He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
