I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
