I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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