Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
