I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
