did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
