I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
