ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
