I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
