I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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