You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
