TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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