Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that's an acceptable place to lick
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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