You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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