Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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