Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
