if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
