I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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