I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
