I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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