Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
