so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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