you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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