we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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