you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
