At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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