The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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