man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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