wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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