Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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