well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
