He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
