You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
