The maid of honor just puked.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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