What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
