We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
