They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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