Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
