No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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