Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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