her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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