Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
...so i touched it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
