She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
